Settling
For Less
E. Carol Webster, Ph.D.
Copyright © 2005
Are you
settling for less? Many people remain stuck in less than satisfactory
relationships – both in their careers and personal lives – because they
dread the hard work required to make a change and often are afraid to
take risks. They hold onto jobs that are not making good use of their
talents and abilities and have a litany of complaints about why they are
unhappy. But, these folks make excuses for why they can’t look for
another job. The timing is not right, they might lose some fringe
benefits, have to wait until their children are older. They wind up
becoming resentful, bitter employees who have failed to grow
professionally.
In their
personal lives, these individuals make similar choices to remain in
relationships that are minimally gratifying. They insist that they’ve
"been everywhere" looking for a better match, so convince themselves
that it is true that "a good man is hard to find" or that "career women
don’t want to settle down", for example. They soon find themselves
explaining away the negative characteristics of dates who don’t really
appeal to them but who are available. Before long, they are putting up
with looks, attitudes, and/or behaviors that grate on their nerves. To
reduce this stress, they make another psychological shift to rationalize
why they should be tolerant of these things, such as "Looks don’t really
matter anyway, it’s what’s inside that counts." or "It’s not good to
have someone paying attention to you all the time when they should be
focusing on their career." or "Who needs all those high society events
anyway? It’s more fun just to rent a movie and chill." These
rationalizations help to keep from feeling the pain of remaining in a
relationship that is not meeting their needs. It helps them to cope, but
does not allow them to grow.
Major
assault to the ego is experienced when these relationships don’t work
out. They are shocked when given a negative evaluation in that
"piddling" job. They can’t believe that the "know-nothing" supervisor
would have the audacity to find fault with them. Similarly, they are
outraged when the "better-than-nobody" date doesn’t call or
follow-through with plans. They may fall apart completely when this date
decides to stop calling at all. "The nerve!" they cry, in disbelief that
they are being deemed unacceptable by the very individual or job they
felt superior to.
And
that’s the problem. You might feel inner satisfaction for a while by
pumping up your ego and believing that you are the "superior" one, but
this won’t last. You’ll stop using those advanced skills as often as you
should because they probably won’t be needed or valued on your current
job. Eventually your smugness and bitterness will start seeping through,
typically in attitudes or behaviors that others find sarcastic and
condescending. In your personal life, you won’t go to places or have the
type of experiences you otherwise might because your mate can’t relate
to them, afford them, or appreciate them. The feelings of superiority
you get from being the one to expose him or her to such things may be
great for their growth and development but isn’t doing anything for
yours! Besides, generally they are quite content with themselves as they
are, which is what causes them to "knock you off your high horse" to see
and do things their way, or to terminate the relationship eventually.
This is
your life and you deserve the best. This doesn’t mean you’ll always get
what you want entirely, but don’t be so quick to settle just because the
going is hard and involves some risk. Yes, you might experience some
failure on a job that is more challenging. Yes, you might be rejected by
several "movers and shakers" before you find a compatible mate. You’re
going to be in these relationships for a long time, so you want
them to be stimulating, uplifting, and sources of great pride. Not those
that cause you to say to yourself as well as to others – "I could be
doing better, but…."
