Feature Article
Are You A Cell Phone
CAD?
Dr. E. Carol Webster
Copyright © 2004
Feel the need to bore everyone on the elevator with
your cell phone conversation? Answer calls in meetings? Unable to unplug
long enough to make it through the supermarket or a meal with friends? It’s
time to take a critical look at your behavior. You may be a cell phone cad.
Cell phones
are great technology. They allow people who were previously chained to their
offices or homes to move about freely while still being able to take care of
critical tasks or responsibilities. But the operative word is critical.
The vast majority of the calls placed and taken on cell phones could
probably be saved for more private circumstances – but more and more people
are changing the definition of “urgent” personal or professional business
and are discussing all manner of topics in full voice for all to hear. Usual
standards of social grace and etiquette have gone by the wayside in many
instances to the point where few think twice about interrupting an intimate
dinner engagement or may even stop a business presentation to answer a cell
phone! Libraries and theaters are not spared, nor are confined spaces like
an airplane or commuter train where there is no escape from the chatter.
Though fortunately still rare, reports of people taking calls during wakes
and funerals are on the rise. And, yes, even therapy sessions and other
types of doctors’ appointments are interrupted and require a talking-to
about the inappropriate intrusion of “non-emergency” cell phone calls.
So what’s going on? What’s the meaning of this
behavior? Much of it is just poor etiquette – plain and simple. Poor “home
training” as many folks call it. But, sometimes this behavior reflects
emotional needs that are getting in the way. Make sure that you’re not one
of the following:
The Show Off
People who take non-emergency calls during meetings or
bark orders while boarding planes clearly have a need for you to believe
that they are very important. They probably aren’t since they would
otherwise have an assistant or someone else handling this business for them,
but their ego is pumped by having others hear them giving directives or
instructions. Even when enjoying personal time with friends and family,
these individuals make and take calls – causing those with them to correctly
feel that their time isn’t very important and that they don’t matter
very much by comparison. To get over this behavior, the Show Off needs to
find other ways to gain feelings of importance. Until then, their boorish
behavior can be decreased by insisting that they at least keep the phone in
silent mode and focus on you and the business at hand until your time with
them is over.
The
MicroManager
Similar to the Show Off,
MicroManagers have a strong need to be in control and feel more important
and worthy when directing things. They find it hard to delegate
responsibility to others. Thus, they can’t get through a simple meal or pick
up their dry cleaning without taking every call so that they can tell people
what to do. Often, they are perfectionist people who struggle with an
underlying fear of making a mistake and, thus, find it virtually impossible
to trust others to know what to do in their absence. It doesn’t matter
whether they have the most highly educated and trained staff in the world or
are dealing with entry-level workers, these individuals have that
“know-it-all” tendency that makes it tough for them to let others take over.
As a result, people who work for them give up trying and eventually do
need to check with them about everything. Thus, their phone is always
ringing. Even when it isn’t – they make the calls! They just can’t let go.
MicroManagers should be reminded that their image is enhanced when people
can function without them and that things must be in pretty bad shape if
they can’t take time to enjoy an hour’s lunch without talking to staff back
at the office.
The
Dependent
Those least rattled by
MicroManagers are Dependents - who can’t make a move without checking with
someone else. Dependents are highly insecure and, while also being fearful
of making a mistake or failing, often simply don’t know what to do.
Therefore, they spend all of their time getting direction and then
double-checking that they have done things correctly. Most of the time they
have a full network of capable supporters and mentors to help them, but must
touch base with them all before taking any action. Not only does this
involve business matters, but personal issues too. Thus, they are constantly
tied to the phone like a lifeline and feel adrift and unable to function
properly when that input is missing. These are the individuals who are most
likely to talk through an entire trip to the supermarket or subject people
to their whole life story as they wait in line at the movies. Oblivious to
the fact that others don’t want to hear all that, Dependents keep gabbing
away in spite of the strong glares they get wherever they go. Only therapy
is likely to change this well-entrenched, needy behavior but Dependents do
follow rules, so clear instructions to “turn cell phones off” or “please
step outside the room if you must take a call” may help.
The Avoider
There are some individuals
who have so much “drama” going on their lives that call after call rolls in
with problems. It may be friends, other family members, business associates
– all with issues. Avoiders jump right into these problems, embrace them as
their own, and take pride in being in the thick of things. This keeps them
from taking care of more important obligations and often their own work
performance or personal life suffers as a result. In therapy, Avoiders often
realize that they don’t feel as capable of handling their responsibilities
as they should and, thus, throw themselves into everything else under the
sun instead. They feel good putting out little fires and the people around
them give lots of praise for their trouble. They sometimes get a grip when
asked to look at what’s going undone back at the office or at home while
they babble away on the phone, but usually need help getting unstuck from
all the hubbub.
The
Boor
Boors feel that rules of
etiquette don’t apply to them and could care less if this offends people.
They are most likely to be the ones taking calls at the theater or during
someone’s funeral because it’s about what they want and not about
concern for others. Often they have to be asked to leave because they simply
will not show consideration for those around them. Sending them to charm
school won’t help. Only a good dose of ostracism and some serious therapy
will do the trick.
Remember that your cell
phone should enhance your life and not cause you to have less balance and
quality of life than you had before you started using one. Also, remember
that you are engaging in private conversation - which is why phone
booths used to have doors - so at least lower your voice, turn away from
others, or better yet clearly walk a distance away so that your discussion
is not intruding upon anyone else. Most importantly - it’s okay to be “off
duty” for periods of time throughout your day. Satisfy your needs for
attention and importance in other ways or get help so that you can turn your
cell phone off or put it in silent mode when it’s not a matter of life or
death to take calls. Even those who provide emergency services can let
things wait at times. If they can endure it – so can you!
About the Author:
Dr. E. Carol Webster is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Fort
Lauderdale, FL and is author of
Success Management: How to
Get to the Top and Keep Your Sanity Once You Get There
and The Fear of Success:
Stop It From Stopping You!
