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Feature Article

Is Your Mate Ready For Your Success?
E. Carol Webster, Ph.D. 
Copyright © 1998, 2003

Those on the fast track for success must take care to select romantic partners who understand their career goals. This may sound calculating, but many otherwise compatible, loving couples wind up at each other’s throats because of conflicting expectations.

The more successful you become, the more others want you and your time. That doesn’t leave a lot left over for those you love and who love you dearest. They must be strong, emotionally self-sufficient individuals who can move on with their lives and own accomplishments without needing your involvement every step of the way. They also must be willing to carry a good deal of the workload of the relationship, since a lot will fall on their shoulders. There’s not much you can do about the leaky faucet or mold growing in the refrigerator if you’re spending most of your time on out-of-town travel, for example.

This problem gets more complicated when children are involved and may cause you to feel guilty. Who’s going to make it to that PTA meeting or basketball practice? If you’re clocking in 12 hours a day at your business, chances are it won’t be you ¾ at least not on a routine basis. Attaining higher levels of success means prioritizing and setting limits on the things you can and can’t do. It means rejecting the role of "superwoman" or "superman", and expecting your Success Entourage to back you up.

Mobilize Your Success Entourage

It's not only performers and athletes who need a Success Entourage. You need one too. These are people in your life who understand your daily demands and help you survive and thrive. Like the housekeeper who cleans once a week, and the day care center that watches the children after school. But, the Success Entourage also includes your mate and children, too. These important people in your life need to understand what you’re trying to accomplish in your career and help you do your best.

Your mate must be the type of person who is not threatened by your success ¾ one who fills with pride when accompanying you to award banquets and other affairs where you are the center of attention ¾ the star. This individual must help the children understand why you can’t always personally address their needs. Your mate must feel secure in your love and help them feel loved and safe in spite of your absence. He or she knows that what you’re doing is important to your success, and that the relationship will benefit, too.

Is your mate ready for your success?

Probably, if she or he does not:

Success should be enjoyable and rewarding.

Make sure that your mate enhances the quality of your life and is not a drag on it. Get counseling if necessary. If you’re not yet in a relationship, take heart: There are potential mates out there who are secure about themselves and their own accomplishments, and who will take pride and pleasure in serving as a key member of your Success Entourage. This search takes time, but will be well worth the wait.

Expect the best! Don’t settle for less.

About the Author: 
Dr. E. Carol Webster is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Fort Lauderdale, FL and is author of 
Success Management: How to Get to the Top and Keep Your Sanity Once You Get There and The Fear of Success: Stop It From Stopping You!

Ask Dr. Webster....

Dear Dr. Webster:

I hate this time of year when everybody’s making a big fuss over their parents. I wasn’t abused or anything, but never got along with my folks. I don't do anything for them on Mother’s Day or Father’s Day, and don’t encourage my children to celebrate Grandparents’ Day. Is this hurting my family?

--Full of Resentment

Dear Full of Resentment:

Forget about what your resentment is doing to the family ¾ how about what it must be doing to you. Pent up anger and frustration can cause all kinds of problems, including depression, discontent, and dissatisfaction with life. This can make you feel grumpy all the time and cause people to avoid you because of your bad mood. Years of resentment make some people wallow in self-pity and blame others, including parents, for all that's not going right in their lives. Many drink excessively to try to escape this pain but, as you can imagine, this only makes things worse. If this sounds like you, you’re got to get a grip on your resentment before its grip does further damage to you.

It’s important to remember that parents make plenty of mistakes, but usually are trying to do their best in raising kids. Most want to see their children have it better in life than they did, and want them to avoid the same problems they struggled with. This doesn’t excuse their bad behavior, but ¾ get over it and try to move on. Lots of folks didn’t have the perfect family life while growing up. Many don’t have those parents at all anymore, and that’s a loss for them.

Don’t evaluate your relationship with your parents with a "warm and loving" measuring tape. You may never feel that way about them. But, that doesn’t mean you can’t have a meaningful and mutually satisfying relationship with them. Many parents realize some of the mistakes they made in raising their children and are working hard to try to change negative attitudes and behavior as they grow older. Some do this because they want to make amends before they die. Others do this because they simply want to be a different type of parent today. Give your folks a chance. See how they respond to a cordial phone call or non-"mushy" card on one of the family holidays. That’s not tough to do. Certainly, your spouse and the children should be free to have a relationship with them and to draw their own conclusions about the value of the attention and affection they receive. Give it a try. You may be surprised that the years of resentment have robbed you from enjoying some beneficial times with people who care about you and can play a meaningful part in your life ¾ in spite of their imperfections.

--Dr. Webster
 

Got a Question?

Ask Dr. Webster

Success Motivator

The only thing that will stop you from fulfilling your dreams is you.

-- Tom Bradley

Success Tip

"Power Partners" are couples who are both well-known, successful people with hectic schedules. Here are some suggested groundrules or "..laws to live, work and play by:

1. Thou Shalt Respect
   Thy Partner's Goals.

2. Thou Shalt Provide Access to Each Other's Contacts.

3. Thou Shalt Convert
   Envy Into Energy.

4. Thou Shalt Play Fair.

5. Thou Shalt Learn About
   Thy Spouse's Business.

6. Thou Shalt Keep Thy Game Plans Private.

7. Thou Shalt Take Time Out from the Tournament.

8. Thou Shalt Not Take the Name of Thy Partner in Vain.

9. Thou Shalt Set Aside Regular Practice Sessions.

10. Thou Shalt Put Thy Partner Before Thy Winnings."

From the book:

Power Partners

 by Jane Hershey Cuozzo and
S. Diane Graham
 MasterMedia Limited, New York, 1990.
 

Success!Ezine
E. Carol Webster, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychology
drcarolwebster.com
954.797.9766
SuccessEzine@drcarolwebster.com

Disclaimer: The information in this newsletter is for informational purposes only and should not be considered a substitute for obtaining direct professional help.

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