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Feature Article

Another Valentine's Day Alone?

Organize Some Fun!

Dr. E. Carol Webster 
Copyright ©  2004

 Another Valentine’s Day alone?  Bummers if you’re eager to be in a relationship and things just haven’t been working out. Many men complain that “there are no good women out there” and just as many women lament that “there aren’t enough good men to go around”. The problem of finding someone compatible is worsened by the fact that jobs are demanding longer hours and often you’re too tired to engage in the type of activities that would help you meet potential dating partners. But, if you spent Valentine’s Day alone last year feeling resentful and depressed, take charge of the situation this year and organize something fun to do instead.

 Contact Other Singles

 You’ve got plenty of company. Lots of folks are not in relationships and, like you, they too dread spending days that gush romance - like Valentine’s Day - alone. These don’t have to be your best buddies, but they should be people you enjoy or whom you think will be fun. And do include both men and women if this will make the occasion more enjoyable. Dig out those phone numbers and e-mail addresses and see who’s free to hang out on Valentine’s Day.

 Set Ground Rules: No Whining

 Don’t encourage a “pity party” by inviting only those who will spend the whole time focusing on how bad the dating scene is and feeling victimized. You are getting together to feel uplifted and empowered, not downtrodden and defeated, so don’t dwell on what you don’t have. Enjoy your friends!

 Organize Some Fun

 What are your common interests? Where would it be fun to go? Might be as simple as gathering at someone’s house for a get together, dining out, or taking in a movie. Or, many folks find it fun to spontaneously put together a weekend junket to ski, surf, see a Broadway show, or to enjoy some other spot for a mini-vacation. Give yourself permission to splurge a little if your circumstances will allow this. That’s the upside of working so hard – you have some money to play with. The key psychological message you want to give yourself is that it’s not essential to be in a love relationship in order to have fun in your life – even though you really might prefer to have one.

 Keep Your Dating Standards High

People can be particularly vulnerable around times like Valentine’s Day to throwing themselves into a relationship no matter what. They forego longstanding preferences in a mate just for the sake of being able to say they have a companion and, of course, feel increasingly bitter and annoyed as these less desirable characteristics begin to get on their nerves. Keep your standards high – even if that means you’ll be alone for a bit longer. Yes, people may accuse you of being a snob, but having preferred qualities you’d like your partner to possess is different from being stuck up or feeling superior to others. After all, if things go well, you’ll be spending your life with this person and you certainly want that to be someone you can stand to look at and be with everyday!

 Resist the Easy Dates

 Feeling desperate to have some type of relationship may tempt you to trawl the office environment in search of a mate. Resist the temptation. This is especially true if your company only has one organizational division or only one physical location. It is most definitely true if you have any authority over the individual, they over you, or if you influence or impact each other’s jobs in any way. In addition to potential employment law problems, these relationships are fraught with emotional entanglements and difficulties that can be next to impossible to unravel and move beyond when things don’t work out – and very often they don’t. But they’re easy to fall into because you see each other all the time, don’t have to work so hard at getting together, and many people with limited time and often limited social skills are drawn to these types of relationships. Whether it’s your job or a relatively close-knit organization that you participate in regularly, try to anticipate the types of situations that will be uncomfortable or downright miserable for you or the other person if things go sour. Yes, I know: that’s going to eliminate a lot of social situations you participate in, but that’s okay. Let the job remain the place where you work, let business and professional organizations serve their respective purposes, and build your dating relationships elsewhere.

Stick With A Good Thing

 Once Valentine’s Day is over, keep the momentum going if your group had fun and wants to get together again. Build on what you’ve started. Plan something else, invite others and see what happens. If you have fun, you will have avoided another lonely time at home alone. If you happen to meet someone of interest – that will be an extra benefit.

About the Author: 
Dr. E. Carol Webster is a clinical psychologist in private practice in Fort Lauderdale, FL and is author of 
Success Management: How to Get to the Top and Keep Your Sanity Once You Get There and The Fear of Success: Stop It From Stopping You!

Ask Dr. Webster....

Dear Dr. Webster:

I was recently assigned a new role on a business team outside the mainstream of my business unit.  Although my contributions have positively impacted our business results, I do not feel that my individual contributions as a member of the team are visible to up line management (responsible for assessing job performance, potential, future roles and responsibilities).  I am finding the situation awkward to manage in that my day-to-day interactions and direction are from Business Team Leader, who has equivalent role and responsibility to mine in the company, and has resulted in diminished interaction with my up line manager.  Because I have seen very little communication from Business Team Leader to our management regarding individual contributions, I have copied them on key communications.  Along with my not seeing evidence of effective communication on my behalf, the cultural disconnect is in trying to be a "good" team player in an environment where individual performance, not team performance, is recognized and compensated.  Any recommendations on how to be effectively manage this situation without antagonizing business team leadership?

 -- Not Feeling the Love

Dear Not Feeling the Love:  You’re correct to be concerned about antagonizing Business Team Leader because end runs around his or her “authority” can provoke anger, resentment and subtle retaliation -- and sometimes the nastiness is not so subtle. However, you also are correct to want to be recognized and rewarded for your contributions to the team and this cannot happen if your efforts are overlooked, diminished or otherwise not noticed by up line management. While your question indicates that you have not seen communications to management regarding your contributions, you can’t be certain they aren’t occurring and, until the contrary is made clear, it’s best to continue to be a good team player and assume that the success of the team will lead to reward for individual players when it’s time for promotions and other goodies to be doled out.

 But this doesn’t mean that you must sit by in despair or fear that you will fade into oblivion while you wait to see how things play out. You can help your career along in other ways. Gain visibility with your up line manager and other decision-makers in the company by getting involved with activities or events that bring you into contact with them or, alternatively, that bring you to their attention. Attend all company gatherings they attend that you can access, no matter how boring or seemingly insignificant, and don’t overlook any social occasions that may bring you together even if these occur in the community and are unrelated to your job. Write something for the company newsletter or other materials that your manager will see. Shoot for repeated exposure. There may be strategic outlets to showcase your competencies other than in your current day-to-day job, so seek them out. Many people gain significant attention by getting into leadership roles in their industry organizations, professional associations, or even local and national civic affiliations where their leadership, skills and valuable contributions are broadly promoted and publicized. Your manager will take note and this often leads to contacts that provide opportunities for you to plug your job accomplishments too in an “Oh, by the way…” manner. Of course, if you learn definitively that word of your job contributions is deliberately being squashed at the team level, it’s time to maneuver more aggressively and find any reason to schedule time with your manager intermittently so that you can toot your own horn directly!

--Dr. Webster

Got a Question?

Ask Dr. Webster

Success Motivator

It’s better to travel alone than with a bad companion.

 -- Senegal

Success Tip

When You Win, Celebrate

Companies with large sales organizations spend fortunes motivating their sales forces. They recognize how crucial motivation is to sales success. professional firms are often less effective in this area. If your firm doesn’t celebrate a major success, do it yourself. Take your spouse to dinner or buy something that can serve as a trophy. You should certainly do this when you close a major sale. Landmark accomplishments such as your first publication or getting yourself invited to speak to an important audience also warrant a reward. 

If motivation doesn’t come from the firm, you must provide it yourself.
 

From the book:

Rain Making

 by Ford Harding, CMC

Adams Media Corporation,
Avon, Massachusetts, 1994

Success!Ezine
E. Carol Webster, Ph.D.
Clinical Psychology
DrCarolWebster.com
954.797.9766
SuccessEzine@DrCarolWebster.com

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