Are You A Cell Phone CAD?
E. Carol Webster, Ph.D.
Copyright © 2003
Feel the need to bore everyone on the elevator with
your cell phone conversation? Answer calls in meetings? Unable to unplug
long enough to make it through the supermarket or a meal with friends?
It’s time to take a critical look at your behavior. You may be a cell
phone cad.
Cell phones
are great technology. They allow people who were previously chained to
their offices or homes to move about freely while still being able to take
care of critical tasks or responsibilities. But the operative word is
critical. The vast majority of the calls placed and taken on cell
phones could probably be saved for more private circumstances – but more
and more people are changing the definition of “urgent” personal or
professional business and are discussing all manner of topics in full
voice for all to hear. Usual standards of social grace and etiquette have
gone by the wayside in many instances to the point where few think twice
about interrupting an intimate dinner engagement or may even stop a
business presentation to answer a cell phone! Libraries and theaters are
not spared, nor are confined spaces like an airplane or commuter train
where there is no escape from the chatter. Though fortunately still rare,
reports of people taking calls during wakes and funerals are on the rise.
And, yes, even therapy sessions and other types of doctors’ appointments
are interrupted and require a talking-to about the inappropriate intrusion
of “non-emergency” cell phone calls.
So what’s going on? What’s the meaning of this
behavior? Much of it is just poor etiquette – plain and simple. Poor “home
training” as many folks call it. But, sometimes this behavior reflects
emotional needs that are getting in the way. Make sure that you’re not one
of the following:
The Show Off
People who take non-emergency calls during meetings
or bark orders while boarding planes clearly have a need for you to
believe that they are very important. They probably aren’t since
they would otherwise have an assistant or someone else handling this
business for them, but their ego is pumped by having others hear them
giving directives or instructions. Even when enjoying personal time with
friends and family, these individuals make and take calls – causing those
with them to correctly feel that their time isn’t very important
and that they don’t matter very much by comparison. To get over this
behavior, the Show Off needs to find other ways to gain feelings of
importance. Until then, their boorish behavior can be decreased by
insisting that they at least keep the phone in silent mode and focus on
you and the business at hand until your time with them is over.
The
MicroManager
Similar to the Show Off,
MicroManagers have a strong need to be in control and feel more important
and worthy when directing things. They find it hard to delegate
responsibility to others. Thus, they can’t get through a simple meal or
pick up their dry cleaning without taking every call so that they can tell
people what to do. Often, they are perfectionist people who struggle with
an underlying fear of making a mistake and, thus, find it virtually
impossible to trust others to know what to do in their absence. It doesn’t
matter whether they have the most highly educated and trained staff in the
world or are dealing with entry-level workers, these individuals have that
“know-it-all” tendency that makes it tough for them to let others take
over. As a result, people who work for them give up trying and eventually
do need to check with them about everything. Thus, their phone is
always ringing. Even when it isn’t – they make the calls! They just can’t
let go. MicroManagers should be reminded that their image is enhanced when
people can function without them and that things must be in pretty bad
shape if they can’t take time to enjoy an hour’s lunch without talking to
staff back at the office.
The
Dependent
Those least rattled by
MicroManagers are Dependents - who can’t make a move without checking with
someone else. Dependents are highly insecure and, while also being fearful
of making a mistake or failing, often simply don’t know what to do.
Therefore, they spend all of their time getting direction and then
double-checking that they have done things correctly. Most of the time
they have a full network of capable supporters and mentors to help them,
but must touch base with them all before taking any action. Not only does
this involve business matters, but personal issues too. Thus, they are
constantly tied to the phone like a lifeline and feel adrift and unable to
function properly when that input is missing. These are the individuals
who are most likely to talk through an entire trip to the supermarket or
subject people to their whole life story as they wait in line at the
movies. Oblivious to the fact that others don’t want to hear all that,
Dependents keep gabbing away in spite of the strong glares they get
wherever they go. Only therapy is likely to change this well-entrenched,
needy behavior but Dependents do follow rules, so clear instructions to
“turn cell phones off” or “please step outside the room if you must take a
call” may help.
The Avoider
There are some
individuals who have so much “drama” going on their lives that call after
call rolls in with problems. It may be friends, other family members,
business associates – all with issues. Avoiders jump right into these
problems, embrace them as their own, and take pride in being in the thick
of things. This keeps them from taking care of more important obligations
and often their own work performance or personal life suffers as a result.
In therapy, Avoiders often realize that they don’t feel as capable of
handling their responsibilities as they should and, thus, throw themselves
into everything else under the sun instead. They feel good putting out
little fires and the people around them give lots of praise for their
trouble. They sometimes get a grip when asked to look at what’s going
undone back at the office or at home while they babble away on the phone,
but usually need help getting unstuck from all the hubbub.
The
Boor
Boors feel that rules of
etiquette don’t apply to them and could care less if this offends people.
They are most likely to be the ones taking calls at the theater or during
someone’s funeral because it’s about what they want and not about
concern for others. Often they have to be asked to leave because they
simply will not show consideration for those around them. Sending them to
charm school won’t help. Only a good dose of ostracism and some serious
therapy will do the trick.
Remember that your cell
phone should enhance your life and not cause you to have less balance and
quality of life than you had before you started using one. Also, remember
that you are engaging in private conversation - which is why phone
booths used to have doors - so at least lower your voice, turn away from
others, or better yet clearly walk a distance away so that your discussion
is not intruding upon anyone else. Most importantly - it’s okay to be “off
duty” for periods of time throughout your day. Satisfy your needs for
attention and importance in other ways or get help so that you can turn
your cell phone off or put it in silent mode when it’s not a matter of
life or death to take calls. Even those who provide emergency services can
let things wait at times. If they can endure it – so can you!
